Today I officially broke up with my "boyfriend".
I was debating whether or not to put this up on my blog since it is technically a "public space", but I realized that my audience is quite limited and I could delete the post if I wanted to. I feel that I should post a blog to reflect on some of my feelings of this relationship.
I am not really going to get into the specifics and what not because it is very personal and because it quite intricate and hard to explain. Some parts of the relationship are quite fuzzy to me as well. But I'll try to explain as much as I can.
This guy was the first guy that I really "liked." Someone who I wanted to date and who I saw a potential future with. All of that lovely stuff. I think no matter how much time passes, I think he will have a special place in my heart.
*edit: I think all of my friends in my life has a special place in my heart. As for this person.. I care about him, but there's nothing lingering. In my mind, our relationship was a pleasant, bittersweet memory.
So a little background.. We have known each other for a while (about four years) but started dating quite out of the blue. Because of the spontaneity and the distance between our universities, we decided to date until the end of the year (four months) and then see what our future would be from there. So we were not technically "boyfriend" and "girlfriend"; but only people who were dating. Hence, the reason why boyfriend is in quotations.
*edit: This was such a confusing part in the relationship so I'm not surprised if you're confused too.
For the first two months... *yay for warm fuzzy feelings when you first start dating someone* ...
After about two months, however, it was getting hard because of the distance as well as the lack of communication between us. It was really hard for me because I liked him so much but somewhere in my heart I knew that it wouldn't work out.
*edit: I knew from maybe the first week or so that it was not going to work out, but I kept it going. My blind love, I guess.
In the third month, because of some personal problems, we stopped talking altogether. I told him to talk to me when he was ready, but I didn't hear back from him for about a month. And it was hard. Wondering what he was doing, what he was eating, and just if he was doing alright.
I kind of figured that we wouldn't be dating after the "break" and I already kind of went through the emotional heartbreak. But just talking to him today made it seem so real. Breaking up with him was ultimately my choice and I know that I can't go back after. There was a small lingering hope that it could work out, but now that small chance is chocked out.
Looking back on our relationship, I am thinking of all the things that I could have done differently and perhaps wishing that I did not even start the relationship at all and not have to go through this. But I guess in the end, you can't change anything and you have to move on. I definitely learned a lot about relationships and people in general while going into and leaving the relationship. I still don't really know what is going through his mind, but I guess knowing what happened is not as important as just accepting it and moving on.
Some lessons I learned:...
I learned that you have to give people space when they need it, even if you don't feel comfortable with it.
I learned that if you really like someone, dating them feels effortless.
*edit: I must have to say that I disagree with myself on this one.. I think what I meant was that it shouldn't feel so much like a burden to work out on this relationship because you want things to work out. At times, I felt that the relationship was difficult, but I was willing to work at it because I just really liked him. I'm not sure what his end looked like, but at times it felt that he was burdened by our relationship.
I learned that some people speak less with profound meaning behind the words.
I learned that if you really love someone, sometimes you have to let them go (pretty cliche, I know..)
*edit: Also, I realized that this relationship wasn't really healthy for myself as well, so it's also important to see your relationship from the outside (accountability)
I learned that you can't compare your relationship with someone else's relationship. Because if everyone is different, then the relationship between different people are different!
I guess you learn the most when you live through the experiences yourself.
This was a kind of different blog than usual, but I think it is a much needed one for myself. Thank you for bearing with me.
*This is a special edit of this blog post! All of the writing in this font is from August 24, 2015. The reason why I am adding on to this blog post is for two reasons. One is because I was thinking about this relationship today, since today would have marked our one year anniversary, if we were still dating. The second being that I have learned more about relationships and about myself so I think I could make slightly better contributions (maybe?). Well this is mainly for myself to look back and see my change of perceptions.
bye bye until next time ^
