Hello unseen audience,
Today, I threw away most of the birthday letters and affirmations that I have ever received. It was very painful.
So I moved houses 2 ish months ago and every time we move, I try to clean up some of my old things. Today I just got around clearing my "sentimental" section of my belongings. As I was going through old birthday cards and notes that people have written to me, I started to feel good about myself, having received all these sorts of lovely notes. And so, I found myself unable to get rid of a lot of notes, even though some of them were from people that I haven't talked to in years. While sitting on my bedroom floor surrounded by all these letters, I came to the realization that I was far too attached to these letters. Almost as if they proved that I was person with meaning and importance. Almost as if these letters was the only way to know that there were people in this world that cared about me. And so, I faced my fears and threw away each letter, one by one. Starting from my 11th birthday card all the way to graduation cards from neighbors and teachers.
It feels refreshing to have let go of something that I was holding on to for so long and so tightly. I think I was finding some of my fulfillment in these letters; a "proof" that I was a good person, a good friend. But that's not where meaning in my life comes from and so I needed to surrender that to the Lord. I think in general, I need to give up my obsession with having security in friends and how people view me... But one step at a time, right?.. But hopefully, one day, I can be absolutely confident in God alone that I don't even look in other places for my worth and importance.
I decided to keep most of the cards that I received in the past few years (college) because I didn't have the courage to throw away all of the birthday cards..
and also because my friends put a lot of effort into composing a birthday card for me and I felt a bit guilty throwing it away.
bye bye for now ^
p.s. At the time of receiving many of these letters, I felt very encouraged and loved by the people around me. I very much am grateful and appreciative of all the words that people have showered on me. so thank you. However, I think my sinful heart clung onto them too tightly for too long and so I needed to give that up to the Lord.
