undivided attention

Wherever I go, my phone goes with me.

This has been my habit probably ever since I received a phone. And it's crazy how attached some people (including myself) are to their phones..

Today, I was planning to meet a couple of friends in downtown LA after spending some time with my Mom. When I left the house with my mom, I accidentally left my phone at home.. And because of time, I wasn't able to go home before I was with my friends. So basically, I was out the whole day without my phone. Sounds silly, but this doesn't really happen that often. 

It was definitely weird not having a phone, but surprisingly relieving and refreshing. I had no temptations to check my phone for notifications or take out my phone to look up information. During the entire time, I gave my friends my undivided attention (or more attention than usual). It was kind of awesome. There were many times when I would reach into my bag to look for my phone and realize that it wasn't there.. It surprised me how many times I would try to look for my phone and also how quickly I attempted to find my phone. 

Reflecting back on today, I think I should spend more time away from my phone and actually spending it with friends and family, giving them my undivided attention.

bye bye until next time ^ 

learning through living

Today I officially broke up with my "boyfriend".

      I was debating whether or not to put this up on my blog since it is technically a "public space", but I realized that my audience is quite limited and I could delete the post if I wanted to. I feel that I should post a blog to reflect on some of my feelings of this relationship.

      I am not really going to get into the specifics and what not because it is very personal and because it quite intricate and hard to explain. Some parts of the relationship are quite fuzzy to me as well. But I'll try to explain as much as I can.

     This guy was the first guy that I really "liked." Someone who I wanted to date and who I saw a potential future with. All of that lovely stuff. I think no matter how much time passes, I think he will have a special place in my heart. *edit: I think all of my friends in my life has a special place in my heart. As for this person.. I care about him, but there's nothing lingering. In my mind, our relationship was a pleasant, bittersweet memory.
     So a little background.. We have known each other for a while (about four years) but started dating quite out of the blue. Because of the spontaneity and the distance between our universities, we decided to date until the end of the year (four months) and then see what our future would be from there. So we were not technically "boyfriend" and "girlfriend"; but only people who were dating. Hence, the reason why boyfriend is in quotations. *edit: This was such a confusing part in the relationship so I'm not surprised if you're confused too. 
     For the first two months... *yay for warm fuzzy feelings when you first start dating someone* ...
     After about two months, however, it was getting hard because of the distance as well as the lack of communication between us. It was really hard for me because I liked him so much but somewhere in my heart I knew that it wouldn't work out. *edit: I knew from maybe the first week or so that it was not going to work out, but I kept it going. My blind love, I guess. 
     In the third month, because of some personal problems, we stopped talking altogether. I told him to talk to me when he was ready, but I didn't hear back from him for about a month. And it was hard. Wondering what he was doing, what he was eating, and just if he was doing alright.

     I kind of figured that we wouldn't be dating after the "break" and I already kind of went through the emotional heartbreak. But just talking to him today made it seem so real. Breaking up with him was ultimately my choice and I know that I can't go back after. There was a small lingering hope that it could work out, but now that small chance is chocked out.
     Looking back on our relationship, I am thinking of all the things that I could have done differently and perhaps wishing that I did not even start the relationship at all and not have to go through this. But I guess in the end, you can't change anything and you have to move on. I definitely learned a lot about relationships and people in general while going into and leaving the relationship. I still don't really know what is going through his mind, but I guess knowing what happened is not as important as just accepting it and moving on.

Some lessons I learned:...
  I learned that you have to give people space when they need it, even if you don't feel comfortable with it.
  I learned that if you really like someone, dating them feels effortless. *edit: I must have to say that I disagree with myself on this one.. I think what I meant was that it shouldn't feel so much like a burden to work out on this relationship because you want things to work out. At times, I felt that the relationship was difficult, but I was willing to work at it because I just really liked him. I'm not sure what his end looked like, but at times it felt that he was burdened by our relationship. 
  I learned that some people speak less with profound meaning behind the words.
  I learned that if you really love someone, sometimes you have to let them go (pretty cliche, I know..) *edit: Also, I realized that this relationship wasn't really healthy for myself as well, so it's also important to see your relationship from the outside (accountability) 
  I learned that you can't compare your relationship with someone else's  relationship. Because if everyone is different, then the relationship between different people are different!

I guess you learn the most when you live through the experiences yourself.

This was a kind of different blog than usual, but I think it is a much needed one for myself. Thank you for bearing with me.

*This is a special edit of this blog post! All of the writing in this font is from August 24, 2015. The reason why I am adding on to this blog post is for two reasons. One is because I was thinking about this relationship today, since today would have marked our one year anniversary, if we were still dating. The second being that I have learned more about relationships and about myself so I think I could make slightly better contributions (maybe?). Well this is mainly for myself to look back and see my change of perceptions. 

bye bye until next time ^

familiar feeling

I always posts these adventure posts a week late.. anyways..

Last Saturday my friend and I took a bus to downtown LA and went to the annual Unique LA holiday show. As soon as I stepped it, I felt a familiar feeling rush over me. A feeling of excitement and a smell of homemade goodness filled the air. It was a great rest before the final weeks of the quarter and although I didn't have much time to look around, I'm so glad that I went. Here are some pictures from the event!:

the cotton candy was a must :) 

cute little plants

DIY wrapping paper

creative lightbulb designs

 

rainy days

It rained a couple days ago! I almost forgot that rain existed at all because I live in Southern California. A lot of people don't like the rain / gloomy weather because it's kind of "sad", but the rain makes the air crisp and clean. I like it a lot! Rain reminds me of different memories and always kind of makes me feel nostalgic. Hopefully we can get some more this winter season; we need the rain.. 

And here’s a song that I have been listening on repeat for this past week or so. It's about looking at life optimistically rather than focusing on the past. The lyrics might sound a little bit unrealistic and maybe something that comes out of a musical or something.., but I see it more as a song that comes from a heart of pure joy and peace that persists throughout the hardships of daily life. It has been such an encouraging and uplifting song to me; reminding me to focus on what is ahead rather than putting myself down for the things that already happened. Here are the video and the lyrics as well.[for those on the mobile site, click here]

You know, it's so strange these days 

I've been laying out complex problems

Talked about it cuz I was so frustrated

They tell me that's how life is 

being sensitive about small mistakes

get awkward about big compliments

You know it all in the past; here's nothing more to say

Don't rush, take it slow (step by step)

Can you feel that  Oh!

Hi, Hi, Beautiful sunshine

Those birds that sing about the fresh spring wind

Fly high, everything's alright

Laugh aloud and begin again

Today will bring you good things

When sad things annoy you and

tears come from your broken heart

Everyone goes through this about ten times

You know, there's nothing more to it

 Don't rush, take it slow (step by step) 

Can you feel that  Oh!

Hi, Hi, Beautiful sunshine

Those birds that sing about the fresh spring wind

Fly high, everything's alright 

Laugh aloud and begin again 

Today will bring you good things

Lalala ~ skip Laugh aloud and begin again

Today good things will happen

someday good things will happen

Good things will surely happen

Something good will happen to you today! ^o^ 

bye bye until next time ^ 

Habits

I like lists. so I'm making a new "label", in addition to "blog" and "adventure". It's going to be a lists!
This is me kind of being lazy and lists are often easier than making a cohesive paragraph.. But you can get a lot of insight of a person from a list of their favorite songs, their goals, their closest friends, their hobbies, and etc. So yay!

I have a lot of weird habits [or so I think..] so I thought this would be interesting for the reader and for myself. So here we go! Ten weird habits.


1. organizing/cleaning things when I get stressed out. Or to procrastinate.
I guess I want to have control over something, and organizing is something that I can have control over. A lot of people don't like organizing and cleaning, but it's stress relieving for me I guess

2. cracking my knuckles.
I don't really like that I do it, but it's a hard-to-break habit.

3. buying whole albums.
I guess it's weird that I buy my music.. but.. I don't like buying only part of an album.. I don't like buying six songs out of ten on an album.. Even though I don't really like the other four.. I just buy the whole thing. I don't really know why though.. I waste so much money this way..

4. taking everything with me wherever I go.
I know that I will never be able to write notes, do homework for math, read my five articles, answer twenty chemistry problems, and have time to read a book in my two hours at the library; but it doesn't stop me from bringing all of the material I might need. Same with packing for a trip in the mountains or to the beach.

5. not fully understanding what someone else is saying, but pretending that I do.
I sometimes just nod my head in agreement if I don't really understand. I've been trying to fix it.. but it's hard especially when I'm sleep deprived..

6. starting over if I don't like the way something looks.
I will literally write a whole page of notes over again if I forgot one line in the middle. Or redraw a rose because I spilled something on it. I'm not sure its a habit, but it's something that I have to do or I don't really feel good.

7. telling people I'm going to leave and then actually leaving ten to fifteen minutes later.
This often happens at a gathering or an event.. I just hate leaving early, but I know that I should probably leave, so I tell people that I'm leaving.. but not actually leaving..

8. making weird faces at myself in the mirror.
I'm pretty sure a lot of people do this, but I don't know, I'm kind of embarrassed of it. I can make some weird faces though. haha.

9. Wearing rings.
I feel partially naked without them.

10. starting something and not sleeping until I finish.
This might be a good thing, but it usually applies to small things; like writing blog posts, making origami elephants, writing letters to friends, or something insignificant that can obviously be done the next day.. I kind of did that right now..

bye bye until next time ^ 

surrounded by strangers

It has been about eight weeks since I just got into UCLA and it has been a rough start, I have to admit. I feel like it has been a struggle..; from academics, finding new friends, adjusting to living in the dorms, looking for a church, and a particular relationship. At my high school, I knew so many people and I would be surrounded by my friends and my classmates, many of whom I have known for many years. But here, when I'm walking to and from class or even going down the hall to the bathroom, I feel like I'm surrounded by strangers.

It can be really lonely at times, but it can also be really refreshing at times.. Just to be isolated from the world and to be in your own space. There has been so much self reflection that has been going on in my mind because I'm constantly alone.. People have told me that college is where you really find yourself, and I'm beginning to see that happening with me...

Anyways..

bye bye until next time ^ 

a short break on Sawtelle

Last Saturday, after my friend and I finished midterms, we decided to take a break by exploring Sawtelle Blvd, which is a short distance away from UCLA. I have never heard of Sawtelle until my friend mentioned it; but I was nonetheless excited to go. Sawtelle Blvd is a street with many Asian stores [mainly Japanese]; including small clothing / speciality stores, Japanese restaurants and markets, and of course, many desert places. There was also a Michaels on the street, so of course we took inside as well

We headed out in the morning and took a bus. The Santa Monica bus [big blue bus] is only 50 cents for UCLA students! I should utilize the bus more.. 

a crisp fall day in LA

On Sawtelle, there are several small stores selling various of items, many with cute / interesting designs. Although they were much to expensive for me to even consider buying, just looking at these quaint products made me quite happy.

It has been a while since I've anything close to good sushi, so this lunch was quite satisfying. 

We stopped by a Japanese stationary store, which had a lot of cartoon plush, stationary, and overall very cute items, including the fruit bean bag plush that I'm holding 

Of course; boba was a must on this trip! 

Stop by Michaels! I forgot how much I have missed crafts and making handmade things.. Oh the summer days when I had time..

it's only November, but already Christmas - related items are appearing on the shelves. All the festivities is quite exciting!

Overall, this was a short, but relaxing trip..  I look forward to the many other small adventures I will have during college. 

bye bye until next time ^

birthday phone call

Something that I have been doing recently is calling my friends on their birthday to wish them a happy birthday. I'm not exactly sure how or why I started doing this.. But I'm really glad that I do this! It kind of forces me to take time out of my day to call a particular person that I might have not contacted otherwise. And I can't push it to another day because it's only their birthday once a year. And it is awesome just to hear their voice and listen to what's going on their life. I know a lot of people just post up a happy birthday post on each other's Facebook wall.. But there's something special about a phone call that makes it slightly more special. I hope a lot of people call me on my birthday ^^.. except the fact it's during finals week haha.

bye bye until next time ^

sweet return

Out of the couple weeks that I have been at college, I have gone home almost every weekend. A lot of my friends make fun of me for coming home so often.. And I know how it can be weird for me to do so.. I have finally graduated and have the freedom away from my family and my high school.. But the thing is, I love my family and my parents.. I love the comfort of home; having Korean food, having a bike; having my own room, going to my home church; and also being able to meet up with old high school friends.

Today, I went to the high school football game to visit the underclassmen from band and it was so refreshing to see them and to get caught up with those people that I once saw every day. Life moves on, but it doesn't hurt to contact those past friends once in a while.

bye bye until next time ^

leaf by leaf

I have a mild obsession with trees. I'm not sure what it is, but trees in their complexity have always amazed me.

In high school, I would often doodle trees on my notes or in my journals. They were never really good-looking trees, so it was always my personal goal to draw a better looking tree than the last. Although they never really turned out well, it was always relaxing to continue to build on the branches and to make the leaves one by one.

tree in a letter I sent to my friend 

tree I drew with different shades of markers

Last Monday I was at this art club at school and our project was to try to make different geometric shapes through duct tape, paint and cardboard. And out of some strange instinct, I thought of putting a tree in there. And so I made a background with different colors and textures, and then I started to construct a tree with tape over the background with the plan to spray paint over the tree and the shadow of the tree would remain. While I was constructing this tree, I was surprised at the amount of people that would walk by and compliment my tree. I never considered myself particularly good at creating trees, whether it be with ink or tape. So I guess my four years of doodling trees in geometry and chemistry really paid off!

finished project with the tape tree skeleton on the top

^ bye bye for now

a walk through Chinatown

This was a week ago; but better late than never?

Two of my friends and I heard of a "catfe" (cat cafe) that was going to have a pop up store in Chinatown (LA), so we decided to have a mini adventure and head over to Chinatown.

We walked around Chinatown (the area where the tourists go..) and found little stores with all sorts of trinkets and random items, including hats, toys, jewelry, turtles, postcards, flowers, pots, and just all sorts of fun things.

We passed by an artist who painted miniature paintings through the hands of a puppet artist. Quite a random site that was present among the boba tea shops and Chinese restaurants. 

   

more random stuff! - some of the items that were at these stores were so cute ~ 

After a couple hours of waiting (I'm not sure why we actually waited so long), we got to spend fifteen minutes with some pretty adorable little creatures.

The catfe was definitely not worth the wait, but it was enjoyable walking around and about Chinatown, just looking at everything, so all in all, I guess it ended up being a fun adventure. 

^ adventure's out there! 

friends

I'm leaving for school in two days!

These last few weeks, I've been hanging out with my friends from high school and church and such. And it's been quite hectic if I do say so myself. I guess I didn't realize how many friends and how much support I had. I'm not necessarily "popular' in any way.. It's just that when I was in elementary and middle school, I struggled a lot with my friends and many times felt very alone and lonely. But through high school, I was able to make so many great friendships. I'm so grateful for all of the people that have supported me throughout the years and the only thing that really makes me sad about leaving my home town is the support network that I have here. Especially my church friends that I recently have been spending a lot of time with. But in two days; I will be making new friends and new support networks. It's scary, but I'm looking forward to this new beginning 

^ bye bye until next time 

train adventure to Santa Monica!

Today was quite an adventure. 

I took a bus and two different trains to my friend's house in Pasadena,

took three different trains and a bus to Santa Monica

and back. But it was great! Love public transportation :) 

The first place we stopped at was a little park next to the bus stop called Tongva park. The architecture of the park is quite modern with a lot of layers in the design. I don't really know anything about design, but I thought the park was put together quite nicely. It was slightly overcast as well, which made the stroll even more lovely  

 

Then we headed to the Santa Monica Pier, where we had lunch at a small hamburger shop. It wasn't the best, but it tasted great after riding the train and bus for two hours. And of course afterwards, we had an ice cream float because isn't dessert the best? 

And the sun came out! 

With the ocean breeze and the soft crash of the waves, it was the perfect day for the beach. 

 

After relaxing for a bit, we headed out to Urth Cafe where I bought a beautiful [hot] vanilla latte.. I got a cup of ice and made it into a refreshing cup of ice cold vanilla latte :) After some talk and some caffine, we headed home.

^ adventure's out there! 

no post this week..

I have learned that I am a very bad blogger and I should not set such high goals that I cannot achieve hahaha. well I am going to set a new challenge to myself: a 'blog' post every two weeks and an 'adventure' post AT LEAST once a month. I think I will be able to do this.. I really want to try and document my college life at least a little bit and hopefully my unseen audience (michelle and my future self) will be able to do so.

^ bye bye until next time! 

am I ready for this?

Hello my unseen audience, how are you today? 

In exactly three weeks, I will start my classes at the University of California, Los Angeles; otherwise known as "UCLA". One year ago, I would have never imagined that I would be studying Civil Engineering at UCLA.. In September of my senior year, I still didn't know what I wanted to study.. Or where I wanted to go (UCLA was actually at the bottom of my list.. ) I still am unsure of what I want to study or exactly how I want to spend these next few years. I think that's why I'm slightly terrified for October 2nd. Everyone around me seems so passionate and ready for the next few years. And I'm just this small little Asian girl floating around. 

Through my school years, I always needed some sort of plan to help reassure myself that everything was going to turn out fine. But I think that I've been slowly realizing that sometimes you don't need a plan and it'll all be fine. You'll look bad and think "What was I so worried about? It was all under control."

So am I ready for UCLA? Maybe; maybe not. But I think it'll all turn alright in the end..

^ bye bye until next time

a long road ahead

So... I haven't wrote a blog post for 28 weeks. I pretty much missed all the excitement of ending high school and summer.. oh well. It's already passed and catching up to that would be a pain. So I'm going to start today. and continuing. I challenge myself to write at least once a week for this upcoming school year. It's going to be a long road ahead.. but here we go! I have a lot to share with y'all (:

^ bye bye until next time.

and there will be a next time and many more to come! I promise :)

new and refreshing

A while ago, my bike was stolen. It was an old and used bike, but it was my main means of transportation and I loved riding it. It wasn't until about a month later when I ordered a new bike, which is pictured above. It's weird having this bike because I don't often get brand new and luxurious things. Even when I do, I often get them when its on sale or as a special occasion gift. But this bike was a surprise because there wasn't anything special going on, it was just given to me.. I think those kinds of gifts are the best - the unexpected ones!

.I haven't really been able to ride it because my neighborhood is a bit hilly, but we're moving next week, so hopefully I'll be able to get some more exercise and fresh air! AND,...  it came with a bell :D haha the simple things in life make me smile.

^ bye bye until next time

new years resolutions

It's only six weeks or so into this new year, and I've already failed my few resolutions.. I've been so busy - one of the reasons why I have been missing blog posts recently. Well. I'm going to make a resolution today (2/13) to continue my New Years Resolutions. It's actually mandatory in my house to write and commit to three or four resolutions (and that's how we get our new years money [: ). I'm going to share on this blog what those New Years Resolutions are and maybe in the future I'll look back at my post and laugh at what weird / insignificant / significant resolutions I had. 

Spend thirty minutes of exercise a day; four times a week

 I have been gaining weight recently.. and I know I am not overweight.. but I want to prevent that from happening! and I just need to be more healthy..

Don’t break or lose Smartphone

 I've broken two really nice smartphones.. I haven't had any one smart phone for a good half year or quarter year.. so my resolution is to keep my iphone 3GS for a good year. 

Find work / internship for the summer, if not traveling

I actually want to find a part time job soon, so I can start saving for college and just for pocket money and experience. I also want to intern for my friend's jewelry company because that would be pretty cool (: 

Read aloud Korean book for ten minutes a day

 My Korean is terrible compared to some other second gen. Korean - Americans and I want to go back and travel to Korea, so I must improve!

Read Bible once

 Last year, I had a resolution to read it twice.. and that was almost impossible, so I thought I might make a more feasible goal this year. I need to get in a better habit of reading His word. 

Do not complain in the morning

 I have a bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad attitude in the morning and I need to change it. I'm actually been getting a lot better over this past month! woo!

Write in journal once a day

I think it's important to keep a journal, even if its one sentence about my day.. If you don't write down history, it will be forgotten! another reason why I'm writing in this blog. 

I didn't think I would explain each one.. but I thought it was necessary. good night!

^ bye bye until next time! 

occasional paper: alone on a park bench

I shared an "OP" with my English class today - an OP is basically a paper about any topic which you present to the class. It's pretty nice because you get 100% no matter what you write, so it's a very stress free assignment where you can literally write anything you want. I'll share you the one I wrote:

I wrote a short story.. here it goes -

Sophie was sitting alone on a park bench. This was where they used to play; where they used to have deep conversations about life. She was miserable. How could her sister leave her? How could her sister simply depart from Sophie and leave her poor sister’s world shattered? It wasn't fair. During the funeral, the preacher had said something about how Debbie was in a better place, a place with no more suffering. That could have been true, Sophie thought, but she left us all here to suffer. She knew of people who had committed suicide and never even considered her sister to be one of those people. Had she done anything wrong? All of a sudden, she noticed something in the corner of her eye.

It was a red sun dress with sunflower embroidery on the bottom. She recognized the dress – it was her sisters. She looked up at the face and saw her sister’s beautiful but pale face. Sophie was shocked as Debbie sat down next to her.

“Why’d you leave us?” Sophie muttered, happy to see her sister, but still angry.

Her sister was quiet.

“Why’d you leave us?” Sophie said a little bit louder, with a bit more force.

“I guess the hatred and sorrow of this world overcame my soul” she said dryly

“But… What about us? What about our family? What about me??”

“Let me tell you something Sophie… I was SO sure that I wanted my life to end. That it was better to be dead than suffering alive. But right as my body was under the water and as I looked up at the San Francisco Bridge above me, I thought ‘I don’t want to die.’ I thought of all the good things in life – the beautiful smile of children, the smell of the ocean breeze, the sound of the piano playing a melody, and the simple time spent with you. I was suddenly filled with an urgency to live. I struggled to reach the top of the water. I did really try. So, in a sense, I had not committed suicide. I died by drowning. But I tried to live. I tried for you Sophie. So please live life to the fullest. Live it for yourself, live it for your foolish sister who couldn’t see past the pains of life, and live it because you can. Cause there is wonder, magic and love all throughout. You just have to stop your busy life and look around sometimes.”

Tears filled up Sophie’s eyes. She could not stop them from coming out. It was the first time she had cried since she had heard the news of her sister’s death. She then wiped the tears and looked out the playground. She saw how much life was around her – the little kids playing tag, the mothers with their cameras and a soft breeze in the air. She smiled. It was like the death of her sister taught Sophie how to live. She was ready. Sophie turned around to tell her sister this epiphany, but she realized that she was alone, sitting on a park bench.

^bye bye until next time

simplify

During the past week, it has been a crazy ride of finals, moving, auditioning and drumline.. I think the way I made it through the week was having these moments at cafes - simple moments. Moments that make me remember how simple life is.

And I like quotes, so here's one for you:
"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated." - Confucius

^bye bye until next time

for the first time in forever

for the first time in FOREVER I went jogging today. At first it was hard physically and also discouraging because the clouds were covering the sunset, but as the time progressed, I grew used to the pattern of jogging and the sunset made its way through!  

It's really nice to re-start something. People say that there's no restart button in life, but there's always second, third and hundredth chances. You kind of just have to take the initiative and give it another go!

"With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts." - Eleanor Roosevelt

^ bye bye until next time!